Posts Tagged ‘dumbasses’

Blood Relations

November 29, 2009

I would like for you

to stop being such a

dumbass for just one

second and notice how

the blood pumps in your

ears.  Is it in C# minor?

Does it brag about its

grandchildren? Does it,

God forbid, agree with

Glenn Beck?  Lie flat

on the grass and feel

it all rush horizontal

to where it belongs.

It says nice things

about you when you’re

not around and doesn’t

complain about your


note-leaving habits or

increased consumption of

fried chicken, which you

should really stop because

the plaque and resentment

will catch up with you


Fingerprint Phonics

November 6, 2009

“that our eyes read
at all holds the key”
said the balding guru.
“but my dog read
The Brothers Karamazov”
I protested. “he’s lying,
you dumbass.”


he continued.
“let them glaze over
the text like donuts
making decisions,
let them slide down
the page like horny
fingers on a woman’s
you’ll get there;
just keep at it.”

everyone I meet
brings with them
the inevitable symmetry
of sandwich halves
one vertical slice
through skull and spine

does the man behind the curtain
have more opposable thumbs
than we originally imagined?