Posts Tagged ‘assholes’

Slugs Don’t Want Your Pity

February 18, 2010

you are an asshole.  that is fine.

you live in my house.  that is fine.

you invite slugs over for dinner.

they refuse to leave.  they are assholes.

you offer them drinks.

after the slugs are dead you say

you gave them saltwater.

that is fine.

you feed my children the dead slugs.

they are hungry.

they have strong immune systems.

they will grow up to be assholes.

that is fine.

my children are pissed.

you said the slugs were fries.

my children cannot tell the difference

between slugs and fries.

my children are stupid.

I tell them to stop crying

and go to bed because

it is late and no one cares

about their feelings.

you slither over and stand

in my intimate space.

your cheeks are flushed

and your pupils are dilated.

I will not have sex with you.

you are an asshole.


do not feel sorry for slugs.

they don’t feel sorry or anything else.

you are still an asshole.


get out of my house.

Vomit Was Released In 1956 And Went To #1 On The U.S. Country Charts. It Got Pretty Good Reviews.

December 6, 2009



Just say it.  Vomit.


There’s nothing wrong with saying it.


People vomit.


I bet there are at least a dozen people vomiting right now, and there’s nothing wrong with that.


I mean, it’s unfortunate that they are vomiting, but there is now therefore no condemnation for those who vomit.


“Get sick” and “be ill” are spineless cowards who weep on their mothers’ aprons.  I have no use for them, and neither should you.


No one has ever been as honest with me as Vomit.  When it said, “You should really break up with that asshole,” I vomited in your car and didn’t apologize. When it said, “You’ve put on some weight over the past year; do you really think you need that chicken alfredo?”  I vomited in the toilet and sprayed lavender-scented disinfectant.  When it said,“I think your struggles with weight and being single have led to some self-esteem problems that have caused you to become bulimic,” I said, “What the fuck man, you told me to do all that shit.” Vomit replied, “Hey, nobody’s perfect.  And now your ass looks fantastic.”


Besides, my mother told me never to marry a man ashamed of his own vomit.  Therefore, we are over.