My Name Is Layne And I Am Seven Years Old And My Brother Dustin Is A Dumbhead

He pushed me down on the carpet because

he’s dumb and stupid and a poopbrain and

I’m gonna get our dog Lassie and ride on her back

like a big fluffy pony and her eyes are gonna

be big red fireballs that will burn him and shoot

lasers at his butt and she will say scary things like

“Abandon all hope, ye who enter here” and

“You feelin’ lucky, punk?” because even though I am

seven years old and don’t get cultural references

my dog does because she is smart and watches

TV and eats name-brand dog food.  After she burns

him crispy with her fireball eyes she will chase him

into my room and all of my stuffed Lion King toys

will band together and hunt him because that’s what

lions do because I am a total dweeb when I’m seven

years old and love reading ZooBooks, freaking ZooBooks,

but I’m not good at sports and I don’t like gym class and

I’m overweight and have huge glasses and in five years

when I ask Adam Wadsworth to dance with me at the

sixth-grade dance it will be super awkward because I

am still overweight with big glasses and I was

a late bloomer and he doesn’t like me that way

but I do because we both read Redwall and he looks

nice in button-up shirts.  My Lion King toys will

corner Dustin and Simba and Nala will rip off his

arms and legs and hide them in the backyard

and under the deck and stuff because they will be

hard to find and I won’t get them for him because

he is a fartface, and I will say “Ha ha ha, who’s fat

and dumb now?” and he will cry and want me to

love him again and I won’t because I’m mad

and I don’t have to.  Then me and Simba and Nala

and Lassie will start singing “We Will Rock You”

because I do know that song because Dustin plays

that CD on the stereo downstairs and we will stomp

and clap and laugh and it will be so much fun.

Then I will close the door to my room and after

a while I will want to play 2-player Mario and then

I will say something not mean to Dustin and we will

play Mario together and he will say funny things in

funny voices and we will laugh a lot.  I will like it

and Mom will make mac’n’cheese for supper and

it will be the best day ever.


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2 Responses to “My Name Is Layne And I Am Seven Years Old And My Brother Dustin Is A Dumbhead”

  1. dusty Says:

    nice Layne! I like the quote “Abandon all hope, ye who enter here”

    I believe that it’s from the pirates of the Caribbean, and I know I’ve seen it somewhere else before too….let’s see… now I remember.

    It was tattoo’d on the small of my friend’s (christianna) back!

    Sasha knew her too, and she had a brother named Lane. Maybe that’s why I feel connected to you.

    thank you for your comment layne. I appreciate your sense of humor.

  2. Layne Ransom Says:

    That quote is originally from Dante’s Inferno, which is what I was thinking of when I wrote that.

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